after the second time in my being hospitalized..

Sometimes I think that it is not a wise thing to say "praise the Lord!" when we just happen to experience what we view as a fortunate event.. Being sick for almost half of my life made me think; I never recall ever to lift my sincere praises when I can't see any fortune from the condition I'm in.

I spent my college years having to drink medicines after every meal and having occasional migraines, I thought "hey, at least I can still go to college. Thank God for that". I couldn't dare to sent any application to any law firm because I was not healthy enough, I thought "Thank God.. at least eventually I got a job"

There are so many times in my life, each time life threw something bad, I tried to console myself by looking at something positive in that situation. And THEN praise Him.

But lately I'm beginning to think, that my thankfulness to the Lord is based on what I thought as a good situation for me. Because to praise Him after I can see the positive side would indicate that I may not praise Him otherwise.

The latest flare I had (which started since December 2008) made me gone through many things which also strips me bare from my usual thoughts. One day's positive thing may be a negative thing the next. And I get to think, what will happen for those who have to bear diseases, pain, or suffering more than mine? Like, how would a Christian mother face the loss of her baby after giving birth? How would a Christian family face the sadness after a tsunami? Would they also be praising the Lord?

How would it be to truly experience what GOD promised in I Corinthians 10:13 that every trials will not surpass my strength, not merely because I try oh-so-hard to 'look at the bright side'? Does praising HIM even in times of trials also mean we does not feel our pains? Sadness? Disappointment?

The thought was quite disturbing to me that I get goosebumps every time I said "puji Tuhan..". I felt like I didn't mean that. I just couldn't bring myself to understand and experience what I read what came from Job's mouth when he received the news that his children were all killed at the same time..

I need more time to sort this through.. Hopefully by writing it down I get to sort out what's on my head..

-sf-